I just lovelovelove people watching at the gym. There’s a certain voyeuristic satisfaction in it at worst, and at best it can be highly motivating. Don’t misunderstand, I’m there to work, and work damn hard I might add. But it’s really fun to throw in a little human observation at the same time. Go on, you know we all do it!

So straight up I should talk about the Smelly Guy, and as I’m sure you’ve all noticed he comes in two different varieties; smelly from BO or smelly from too much cologne. Occasionally you get the Smelly Guy who is a combination of both. Does he really think that the cologne is going to cover the fact that his gym clothes have been at the bottom of the bag all week? Pulling the shirt and socks out from under the shoes and flapping them out is not sufficient Mister. Washing machine EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. No exceptions.

Second type I always notice are the Fakers. The only reason I ever notice them is because for some stars being misaligned reason we are working with the same equipment. You’ll know them as Fakers because they are working out more delicately than the 95-year-old who’s there with the physiotherapist from downstairs. You’ll recognize them right away as they can frequently be found checking their phones in the middle of a set. PEOPLE ARE WAITING! Get a move on!

Now I should take a moment to point out that the Fakers might in fact be the Social Butterfly simply waiting for their friend to arrive so that they can stand around, or worse, sit around on equipment catching up. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that it may be why they are checking their phone in the first place… to see when their friend is arriving for their morning gab session. Which, by the way, I’m pretty sure USED to happen at Starbucks until the shiny new gym opened right next door.

Then you have the Oglers. They have a tendency to offend most women. I personally am not, but I will say that they’re hard not to notice. I figure I’m there working my bod hard and they may just be appreciating my efforts. Tough to be offended by that right? Now, should the Ogler turn the dark and disastrous corner and become the guy who thinks he’s in a night club, well then I have a problem. Happily, I also have a solution. So far it has been highly effective.

Now, the Power Business Types never bug me unless they also happen to be Loud Talkers in which case take your damn Blackberry to the change room, or better yet, your Porsche Cayenne. No one needs to hear the details of the exceedingly important deal that you’re in the middle of putting together. Haven’t you ever noticed that even your assistant and everyone else in your office closes the door when you get on the phone? Your voice is clearly not designed for public places, unless it’s a stage… which the gym is not!

I have to say that my very favorite person is the one who although you see them every single day and smile (cuz you see them every single day) they still pretend that they’ve never seen you before. LIKE EVER! That actually becomes more a study in absurd human behaviour rather than simple people watching! They remind me a little of the trainer who has clearly given up on their careers and prescribe the exact same workout for every single client regardless of the their body type. Hard to tell which came first, their less than 50 percent success rate, or their apathy.

And finally there’s the person that reminds me enough of myself, warts and all, that I stop being such a self-righteous little bitch, increase the weights and get the hell back to work.

For further examples of my self-righteous bitchiness, please head over to www.staciacarlton.com

Happy Lifting!

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